The future is bright and exciting for Wendy, who is 42 and yet to regret not living the “White Picket Fence” traditional lifestyle. From Seattle, WA, she is a professional childcare worker who chose early in life to never have kids of her own. She has many hobbies, and particularly enjoys travelling in her free time. People have been quietly walking away from the expected traditional next steps for generations. She is an example of someone who didn’t follow the norm and is living her best life. While enjoyed by those who choose it, this lifestyle has not been mainstream and the few who live it are often stigmatized.
However, the choice to live non-traditionally is gaining traction. There are a growing number of young people working to de-stigmatize those who choose to not have children and/or get married. The facebook group Lady No-Kids is a great example. With 67K members, it’s a great support system for people who are living or interested in living nontraditional lifestyles. The participants in this article are all from this group.
The “White Picket Fence American Dream” isn’t as appealing as it once was. People in their 20s are choosing to walk away from it and live a lifestyle that feels true to them, not just what’s expected.
For many people, the choice to live non-traditionally was never a difficult one. Kris M., a healthcare worker from Maryland, was six or seven when she knew she wanted to remain childfree. As a primary caretaker for a younger sibling with special needs, Kris felt that by the time she was an adult, she had already done 18 years of raising a child and knew she didn’t want to continue doing it.
As far as why she chose to live non-traditionally, Kris says “Genetic issues that would have been passed to my children, severe health issues that would’ve prevented me from carrying to term, I need to be a secondary guardian for my brother so I do not want multiple people I’m responsible for in my middle aged years, and I don’t think I would be a good fit as a parent.” She feels that her lifestyle allows her to enjoy her freedom and independence while offering support to loved ones as an aunt.
This bucking of tradition is an international trend as well. Kashan Krawitz, a 41-year-old social media manager, UX designer, freelance video editor, and dog trainer in South Africa, feels she does not want the responsibility of caring for and raising a child. When she was very young, she was gifted dolls that she hated, especially the baby dolls. She felt much more at home with animal plushies and My Little Ponies. She and her partner of four years own a home, five dogs, three cats, five fish tanks, and a fishpond.
Kashan sees many benefits to her lifestyle. She says, “The benefits are of two different kinds for me. As a woman without children, I definitely have more time to do other things that interest me, this is no judgement on people who have or prioritize having children, just the fact that children are time consuming. I think besides the time I get to choose what I invest it into.”
“There are obviously and sadly real financial benefits to remaining childfree. I say sadly because I do empathize with people who truly want children, but society has made raising kids so hard, from the massive expenses to the very little maternal and parental leave they get. For me it was the right choice to not have children, and I do not regret it.”
For Celia in Atlanta, they say they’re known for most of their adult life they didn’t want to live traditionally, but it really solidified in their 30s. “I think I’ve always known that I did not want to be pregnant or give birth, nothing about that has ever seemed appealing to me. I had a nebulous idea in my 20s that I might adopt or foster, and maybe someday I might do the latter, but I feel like I would not want to do any kind of parenting without a partner, and now that I’m pretty sure I don’t plan to have one, it just doesn’t feel likely to be part of my life. I had a bisalp for sterilization last year.”
When asked if she was partnered, Kashan says, “No. After a long journey of trying to figure out why every relationship in my teens and 20s didn’t feel right, I came to the conclusion that I am aromantic. I am open to some kind of queerplatonic partnership someday, or to communal retirement with friends, but I have no urge for or interest in romantic partnership and I currently am content living alone.”
Celia sees many benefits to living her nontraditional lifestyle. “I’ve known I was queer in some capacity since I was a child, but as I’ve reached the age for many typical adult milestones, it’s become apparent that that isn’t the life I want. The all-consuming romantic love that others have spent their youth pursuing feels entirely foreign to me.”
“While I enjoy spending time with kids (fun fact, I used to perform at birthday parties as a totally-not-Disney princess), I am also neurodivergent and really need a certain amount of quiet and decompression or my mental health suffers a lot. Even my very needy cat sometimes puts me at my limit, as much as I adore him.”
“Everything about having young children sounds miserable, especially a young child like I once was. My parents and I have a great relationship now, but it had its explosive periods when I was a kid with untreated ADHD. I am of the opinion that you shouldn’t have kids unless you really, enthusiastically want them. Many people do, but I don’t.”
Like Kris and Kashan, Wendy knew when she was a child, she didn’t want to live traditionally. She says, “I became the cul-de-sac summer nanny at age 12, and continued to care for children, ultimately making it my career. It’s a job to me, and I want to continue to enjoy my job (i.e. being able to leave work and enjoy my time outside of caring for children).”
Her experience was what led her to want to avoid the traditional lifestyle. She says “I’ve grown up taking care of children. It’s my passion, but I’ve seen A LOT through the years with families. It seems more of a burden than a joy to a lot of families I’ve worked with. I’ve not wanted to feel ‘tied down’, so to speak. There is a freedom that comes with the decision not to have children. The ‘traditional’ norms of how my life should go (i.e. marriage, children, grandchildren, etc.) was never appealing.”
“My view of marriage was, and still is, maybe it’ll happen, maybe it won’t. My view on having children has always been an absolute never. I’m lucky to live in a place where people don’t taunt you for not being traditional. I feel lucky that I’ve been able to go to gatherings and others don’t ask ‘when are you (fill in the blank)’.
Wendy finds there are quite a few benefits to her lifestyle. She says, “I have enjoyed financial freedom, mental stability, and a great work/life balance by choosing not to have children. I can travel when I’d like to and not have to work around school holidays/breaks. I can leave my work behind and not take it home with me, so I’m able to mentally and physically recharge without worry of any work-related tasks, and I can truly and fully live my life.”
There is a common thread: people are drawn to the freedom that the non-traditional lifestyle affords them. They can pursue their passions, hobbies, enjoy their partners if they have one, and still be available to help and be near loved ones as aunts or uncles.
The extreme financial strain that children put on parents and marriages is a large factor that is strongly considered, as is the safety and health of the world they would be inheriting. As Wendy put it, “I am terrified of the world children are growing up in, and I don’t want to be responsible for bringing another human into this world, fearing for their future.”
There are many perspectives and reasons people choose to avoid the traditional lifestyle. Basically, people are strongly considering and prioritizing what feels right for them in their lives, and not just accepting what is expected. Wendy, Kris, Kashan, Celia, and others have exciting lives with adventures and lots to look forward to. In Wendy’s words, “The freedom of just taking care of me is worth more than anything.”